


22265

by citron_ella



Category: 17776: What Football Will Look Like in the Future - Jon Bois, 20020
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Sick Character, football fuckery, formatting this was sO hard, l'Agence spatiale européenne
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:01:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27295339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citron_ella/pseuds/citron_ella
Summary: The year is 22265. And Juice isn't having a very good time.
Comments: 43
Kudos: 60





	1. hot.

Man, what is that player doing? 

you gotta be more specific my dude 

The Notre Dame player, just turned west on OK state. 

playing football whats it look like? 

You know what I mean. Who is she? 

ughhhhhhhhhh 

Taylor Birshaw, quarterback, doing… something

she hasnt been on the team very long, only a few hundred years

ok no yeah this is weird usually notre dame keeps a closer eye on their rookies

what's she doing out there all by herself? 

Something cool, that’s a pretty long trip to make for no reason. 

oh i bet she’s going to the airport 

Airport? 

  


[image description: a slow pan to the San Francisco International Airport, showing two important things: five clustered footballs, and twenty Stanford players guarding the places where the field intersects with water.] 

  


the airport

Stanford’s field runs right through san francisco international airport

GREAT place to hide footballs. nobody wants to take an a380 to the face nanos or no nanos bet that’s where she’s headed

don’t know what she thinks she’s gonna do there, though. they’ve got a pretty good defense down there 

So she probably can’t even get at the footballs? 

itd have to be a pretty good stealth play 

How does she get there? 

lotta intersections 

You’re usually much more enthusiastic about this. Do you think this one isn’t worth it? 

nah could be cool 

.

..

...

don't freak out

but i think something is up 

With the game? 

nah with me 

Well that's not good. 

What's wrong? 

don't know 

Are you worried about Nine? 

no

well i am

but it's not that kinda wrong

it's 

god I dunno

different

Different how? 

i’m not like sad or anything i'm just tired

i think this is just what it feels like to be real tired

Oh

Oh, hon. 

Tired of what? 

just legit tired not existentially or some shit

damn 

not everyone's swallowed by ennuie or whhatever sometimes a mf just wants a nap 

Well sorry for caring. Why don't you take one? 

I don't need a nap 

fuck do i look like 

a baby? 

a baby without like 70m2 of sexy sexy solar panels?

"take a nap juice" this isn't kindergarten

i got responsibilities

i got football to watch 

Wow, someone's cranky. 

Almost like 

don't you fuckin dare 

You need a nap. 

jesus lady youre real pro premature nap time huh

FINE

but i gotta send like a million emails first

see u in like three weeks

say hi to nine for me if they’re up first 

See you soon, sleepyhead. 

* * *

  


_from: juice@thebowlgame.com to: kaawa.a@hawaii.edu  
  
Subject: temporarily indisposed  
Alaia,  
  
If you're receiving this automated email, I need you to step into your role as acting commissioner. I will be unavailable for more than three days, and therefore unable to perform my duties as commissioner over that time period. Attached is up-to-date documentation on the game, and any available information on when I will return to the office.   
  
Regards,   
  
Jupiter Icy Moons Explorer  
  
(46 attachments 📎) _

____

* * *

__

.

..

… 

Hi 

Hey! 

Wait, where's Juice? 

Taking a nap. He'll be back online in a few days. 

He does that? 

Sometimes, just not for very long. 

. 

.. 

… 

I'm a little worried. 

Wait, who's in charge of the game?

No wait you first 

He's usually awake for much longer. And he doesn't sleep for this long. It's strange. 

Maybe he skipped a charge somewhere while we were sleeping? 

Maybe. How are you, though? Well rested? 

Yeah! 

Anything interesting happened while I was out? 

Not much. Nick and Manny wrote a book, and someone invented a new way to play uno. This one Notre Dame quarterback is heading for Stanford’s airport cache. 

All alone? 

That’s what I said! 

ugh jesus fuck 

Juice? 

Juice! 

You're back early. 

woah didn't know you were the sleep police 

whatre u gonna do about it, send me to nap jail? 

You’re going in the nap slammer, sonny. 

wtf for 

Resisting a rest! 

h a h a h a 

i hate you 

Hi Juice! 

yo nine

sup 

I just woke up, so not much that I know about. 

join the club bud

What year is it? 

It's still 22265, the year of the founding of Nap Jail. 

what 

oh nvm i get it 

Are you feeling better? 

better from what 

Earlier? Ten said you were tired. 

How are you feeling? 

. 

.. 

… 

hot 


	2. how hot?

Hot? 

and toasty, yes 

You’re in the vacuum of space. You don’t have thermoreception. How are you hot? Should I be able to tell if it’s hot? 

No, Nine. That’s not normal. 

Juice, are you ok? Did you get a full charge? 

wait u said im early 

Yeah? 

how early 

Only a couple days. You should still have nearly a full charge, right? 

uh oh 

You don’t, do you. 

nnnope 

How long? 

How long can you stay awake? 

.

.. 

.... 

maybe a week? week and a half? 

Oh no. 

shit hang on i have an email 

  
  


_from: kaawa.a@hawaii.edu  
to: juice@thebowlgame.com  
  
Subject: re: temporarily indisposed  
  
Hey Commissioner,  
Any updates on when you’ll be back?  
We’re doing just fine down here, but it’d be useful for scheduling purposes. If I’m gonna be acting commissioner for more than another week I’m double booked.  
Regards,  
  
Alaia Kaawa.  
_

  


ah shit 

never get jobs kids 

Both of us are older than you. 

mechanically maybe but i’ve been awake longer 

gotta use my ancient wisdom to work something out 

But you can’t, can you? You have to go back to sleep soon. 

nah see i charge fast 

i have like a studio apartment floorplan worth of solar 

and if i time it right i'm chugging sunlight every second im powered down 

i can do like 3.5 days on, 3.5 days off 

So charge on the sun-facing side of your orbit, talk on the dark side? 

bingo

it’ll work for now

until

whatever 

I think you should just rest. We don’t know what’s causing this. 

see about that actually

i need to be available in two weeks

so i figured i’d sleep until then 

and hope things shake out ok 

What do you mean shake out? What’s not okay now? 

.

..

… 

nothing 

JUICE. 

i’m too hot I said that I made that clear

don't ask me how I'm too hot in space i don’t know either 

i blame the sun. 

What do you mean you blame the sun. The sun has always been there, it’s not a new variable. 

Guys 

well idfk what else am i gonna do to get this hot? hop in the space oven? take a trip to the space sauna? 

Guys. 

Is anything working properly for you? Can you do a status report? Or are you too busy melting your circuitry to do that? How hot is hot? 

_Guys._

jeez lady i’ll run it in background if you’re so worried 

How hot? 

too fuckin many°F idfk 

(sigh) 

more than acceptable°C

too many hundredsK

what’s airport girl up to? 

guys we could call the ESA 

no we couldn't, they're dicks

where’s Talyor? 

On USC now, I think she’s headed to UCLA? 

oh yeah I see her 

Wanna tell us what she’s up against? 

if she's doing what i think she’s doing

this is basically a suicide mission

BUT 

if she can get past Stanford defense 

then MAYBE 

All their footballs are in the airport, right? 

yup. not even just in the airport

they’re all in one little building 

And nobody’s gotten them because… 

Stanford guards their water entrances like fort fucking knox

you can’t get across the runways because of the planes, so you have to get up through san francisco bay

and that’s flat 

they can see you coming for MILES

the airport already had a searchlight and the team uses that to scan the bay at night

no way in shit she’s getting in there 

But if she does? 

if she does? footballs are like sitting ducks

but then she’s gotta get them out 

* * *

_RING_

_RING_

_RING_

Vous avez rejoint l'Agence Spatiale Européenne.  
Si vous souhaitez continuer en français, veuillez appuyer sur une.  


If you would like to continue in English, please press two. 

Wenn Sie auf Deutsch fortfahren möchten, drücken Sie bitte drei. 

Two. 

Hello, you’ve reached the European Space Agency. 

Hi, I, um, wanted to discuss one of your spacecrafts? 

Oh no. What did Juice do now? 

Nothing, actually, I wanted to know if you could check in with him? 

And who am I speaking to, please? 

Pioneer 10. 

Oh! Could you just ask him first?  
It’s kind of a privacy thing now, with the sentience and all. 

Not right now. He fell asleep watching the game. 

Didn’t he just go down to recharge a couple weeks ago? 

Yeah, that’s why I’m worried. He’s basically not charging; we don’t know what’s going on.

He’s being really cagey about it. 

That’s… odd.  
Our engineers can try to reestablish radio contact,  
but I don’t know if that would work. I’m just a first-time grad student. 

If it does, can you send me what you find? I don’t think he even knows what’s happening. 

If it works, I will. 

Thank you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy halloween and a joyous samhain! 
> 
> this fic is haunted by the ghosts of the thousands of br tags I crammed in here 'cause I don't know how to format in css.


	3. “guarding” the “footballs”

wakey wakey welcome back to Taylor Has A Death wish

she’s on USC now, definitely headed for stanford

man i cannot wait to see how this plays out 

Where are Stanford's players? 

  


[image description: a slow pan along the stanford field, showing pairs and clusters of players, running up from its intersection with Fresno state to the San Francisco airport] 

  


mostly out hunting for more footballs 

since they have theirs crammed into such small uhhhhhhhh acreage 

they only have like 30 players on their field right now. 

some defending each 

fuckin’ 

each beach, coming up from Fresno 

then a team of eight at the beach at the airport 

and two are here, in this little... boat... shed... thing 

  


[image description: a zoom in on a small structure, right on the artificial stone beach. Two Stanford players mill around beside it, moving like they’re bored.] 

“guarding” the “footballs” 

They’re bait? 

yup 

they stand near that boat shed thing, make a buncha noise, whatever 

basically yelling OH GOLLY GEE HOPE NOBODY COMES FOR ALL THESE FOOOTBALLS WE HAVE, that would be TEEEERRIBLE

but that’s not where the footballs are

that’s not their real job 

  


[image description: a zoom in on a small white shed, a few meters from the runway.] 

Oof, okay these guys sit by the boat shed and like 

um

they rack up obt

So when Stanford gets a new football, they could just waltz across to here and and stick it with the rest 

Juice, this is a lot of images. Shouldn’t you be trying to conserve power? 

hey do y’all hear thunder 

Out here? 

no? guess it was just Ten RAINING ON MY PARADE

but forreal it’s fine

i’m not back at work yet so im not transmitting much of anything

i’m fine, i got this handled. 

Are you sure? this doesn’t seem to be going too smoothly. 

I’’m sure

anyway

Taylor here has shitall obt

she has less than ten seconds

but that doesn’t matter, if she can get past Stanford defense

their stash is like five yards from the field 

So what’s the issue? 

getting them back out

no way is it worth all the stealth shit for just one football, right? 

but airports are alllll flat

pancake terrain

once they see her, she has everyone on the airport headed right for her

and 

oof hang on, processing… 

...

even if she gets past them, she has to get all the way back down to fresno by herself, with the airport players coming at her from behind and every other Sanford player coming to head her off in front 

like I said, death wish. 

I bet she pulls it off. 

i don’t

like, look at all this water 

  


[image description: a much less smooth pan over the Sanford field, pausing briefly at several ponds, areas of overlap with the bay, and other waterways.] 

  


woah that made me kinda dizzy lol 

where was I?

water

yeah water is a huge strategic advantage

forces someone to boat toward you in a straight line

you can see them coming forever

this field has so much water it’s crazy

TL;DR, she’s fucke- 

Juice? 

shit, Juice? 

He’s offline. 

Ten, what happened?!? 

I don’t know. He just powered down out of nowhere. 

Is he okay? 

I don’t know. I don’t think so. 

  


* * *

  


_from: dixon.r@esa.int  
to: pioneer10@nasa.gov  
CC: jupitericymoons@esa.int, pioneer9@nasa.gov  
Subject: emergency measures for JUICE.  
  
Pioneer 10,  
  
Please tell JUICE to power down immediately. Do that before you read the rest of this message.  
  
We were able to reach the craft briefly, but lost contact again after four hours due to the nature of our connection. In that time we were able to put together a brief status report, and capture some images using earthside equipment. Both are attached.  
  
We don’t know why yet, but JUICE’s cores are outputting alarming amounts of heat. Our instruments are designed to work at -150°C, and our readings suggest JUICE’s internal temperature may in excess of 300°C. This could be extremely damaging to the onboard equipment, and to the craft’s processors. JUICE needs to shut down completely, RIGHT NOW. If you do not comply with this, JUICE will be shut down remotely.  
  
Once all operations have ceased, you need to wait for at least 72 hours before a GRADUAL return to function can be carried out. Instructions for you to do this are included, but if you would prefer, we can do this from Earth instead. Either way, JUICE absolutely CANNOT continue standard operations without risking serious damage, and should not be allowed to.  
  
Regards,  
  
Rachel Dixon,  
  
Chief of operations, ESA Paris.  
  
(11 attachments 📎) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this entire story is just html & css kicking me in the organs until i crawl to my laptop, spewing blood, and with the last of my strength, hit "post" 
> 
> and then have to do it again five minutes later because i missed a style tag halfway through.
> 
> Slight change to the update scheudule: my sports place is closing on wednesday, so I won't be updating until friday, because I have to train to the death. On friday, I'll post two chapters instead of the usual one.


	4. people in motion 🎵

  


_to: dixon.r@esa.int  
from: jupitericymoons@esa.int  
Subject: re: emergency measures for JUICE.   
  
hey what the FUCK??????   
  
you can’t just say that shit fuck do you mean “cannot continue operations” what are you talking about   
  
___

____

* * *

____

ten? 

ten? 

nine? 

Juice! you’re awake! 

i got the email, what the fuck are they talking about 

Don’t panic. You’ll only make it worse.

THAT IS NOT REASSURING 

jesus what kind of mad scientist shit is that to say

like who even- 

And he’s out. 

You were right about making it worse. 

What do we do? wait for him to wake back up again?

I want to, but… we don’t necessarily have to. We can shut everything else down remotely. But it feels wrong to, you know? 

Yeah. Maybe we give him an hour? or a day? and If he’s not back by then- 

GAH HOLY FUCK 

never mind. 

did I miss the san fran international play 

That’s what you’re worried about? 

not really but did i miss it 

She’s on UCLA, but she still has a long way to go. You won’t miss it in three days. 

ok 

fuck

i hate this.

We do too. Are you ready? 

yeah 

Okay. Just try and keep calm. I’ll count down for you. 

Three 

Two 

wait 

WAIT 

nine, ten? i love you 

We love you too. 

But you need to rest. 

  


* * *

  


Well that was painful. 

It’s only three days.

I know. Where’s Taylor? 

  


[Image description: a zoom in on Taylor’s player marker as she crosses from UCLA onto Nevada’s field] 

She’s getting close now. Real close. 

We should record it, so Juice can watch later! 

That’s a good idea. Whatever this girl is doing will be fascinating. He’s gonna want to see it. 

Wait, is she on the phone? 

Can you hear what she’s saying on the phone? 

Sure.

BZZT

-and I’d like to book a flight for the fourteenth? 

That’s … five days from now? 

Yeah, anywhere is fine, I just want to know departure times and stuff, thanks! 

Juice said she couldn’t use the planes, right? 

Yup, powered air vehicles are banned. 

Is she just quitting real dramattically? 

She could be using them strategically. As cover, or to get between her and the Stanford players at a key moment. She just can’t actually fly. 

Is that allowed? 

People run across highways and stuff all the time, geography permitting. It’s just another terrain advantage, really. 

Roads aren’t terrain!

Okay, thank you! I’ll call back when I’ve decided. 

BZZT.

Yes they are. Just because they’re man-made, doesn’t mean they don’t count. Built environment is still environment. 

Should it be, though? 

It’s not really a question of should. 

  


[image description: a montage of roads, varying from multi-lane freeways to tiny dirt farm roads]

The United States has about 40 million miles of roads. Roads are the largest and longest-running terraforming project in all of human history. You need to take them into account when you’re making a play, especially in cities. And it’s good sportsmanship to use everything around you to your advantage, even cars and trucks and trains. 

That's a lot of road.

The absolute power move of running a ball across a level crossing right before a freight train is due? genius use of the built environment. And all the parkour. Before the nanos, you didn’t get people just charging up buildings like that. 

Was that the nanos or was it just football? 

What do you mean? 

When I was launched, women didn’t run.

They just didn’t run. The first woman to run a marathon did it in 1973, after I’d been up here five years already. It was seen as harmful and unladylike. 

Most people just worked and sometimes danced very specific dances, and those were the only ways they moved.

And now women are scaling buildings, fording rivers, climbing trees to make plays.

I wonder how many more people would do that across history if they had the chance. Kids do it all the time. 

.

.. 

… 

I wonder if that’s why. 

Like, you put music on in a room full of children, and they’ll dance. And it’ll be messy uncoordinated, and maybe kinda ugly, but they enjoy it more than adults enjoy dancing. 

Maybe in the absence of children, everyone can be childish. 

I don’t think it’s childish. I think it’s just human. Wanting to move your body like you know it can be moved. I think football gave people an excuse to do that. 

That’s an interesting theory, but wouldn’t everyone play it, then? 

Maybe. I don’t know. 

Do people still dance?

Of course. 

They never stopped. I don’t think they ever will. 

Some of them even listen to the same music.

Really? From the 1960s? 

Here, let me find you something. 

  


[image description: the camera pans rapidly across the united states, settling on a campsite in Kansas]

Here’s someone!

...summertime will be a love-in there  
in the streets of San Francisco,  
Gentle people, with flowers in their hair  


Oh, wow. This song is old.

All across the nation  
Such a strange vibration  
People in motion  
There's a whole generation  
With a new explanation  
People in motion  
People in motion  


And people still like it. They’re still dancing to it. 

I’m glad. 

* * *

  


_from: dixon.r@esa.int  
to: pioneer10@nasa.gov   
CC: jupitericymoons@esa.int, pioneer9@nasa.gov   
  
Subject: re: Emergency measures for JUICE (good news)  
  
Pioneers,   
  
We think we know what’s wrong. JUICE’s last crash report contained some telling data. The overheating is because a piece of software is trying to utilize the vast majority of processing power available, regardless of other tasks running at the time. We don’t know what this program is, but given the range of projects and hobbies JUICE has acquired over the years, it’s likely that it was not written by the ESA. An error in coding something could have easily led to this situation.   
  
We will need to carry out remote intervention to single out and remove the offending software, and until then, JUICE will operate at reduced capacity to prevent further risks. Please consult the attached document for updated instructions on bringing the craft back online.   
  
Kind regards,  
  
Rachel Dixon,   
  
Chief of operations, ESA Paris.   
  
(1 attachment 📎) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter later today! whoever guess what dumbass formatting error i'll make this time gets a prize.


	5. the San Fran International play

and then we restart- wait, no, initialise... 

mmnmmfg 

Juice? 

ugh

mornin’ 

they fix me yet?

Not yet, but 

then why’d u wake me up? asshole 

Hi, Juice! 

Good morning to you too. You need to be awake for this part, so don’t power back down or I’ll have to start over, and dealing with this ntMemInit nonsense again WILL drive me crazy. 

hi nine

uh

ten

why can’t i see 

None of your instruments are active. You’re gonna have to pick between suites to conserve energy. 

i would like to SEE, please

Okay, okay, one JANUS reactivation coming right up.

.

..

...

ohhhhh

ew 

wish you hadn’t done that actually 

can i turn it back off? 

Troubleshoot first. VxWorks is a nightmare, and I’m not doing any of this over again. 

do i have to 

i still feel like shit so 

if i can just kinda not

Work with me here. Give me half an hour and then you can sleep more, if you want. 

i get that mechanically i can’t barf but i think i’m gonna anyway 

im dying squirtle 

Would it help if we did 3GM next? There’s an oscillator in there, so that might help you feel less queasy.

god please 

Is it worse than before? It shouldn’t be worse. 

i don’t feel like im literally gonna melt anymore but that lets me notice everything else yfm

Yeah, I think I understand. How about I deal with the reboot and you just… relax and watch the game? 

sure sounds like a plan 

Taylor’s on Stanford now! 

exciting

3GM should be back online for you now. 

oh thank FUCK 

okay that didnt FIX it but its _kinda_ better thank you ten you’ve saved me 

Don’t overheat about it.

im not gonna overheat talking to you 

..

….

shit or am i 

TEN??? 

You probably won’t? But try and keep communications short. 

aight zipping my lips & throwing away the key 

great. 

putting the key in a little bag, putting the bag in a box

ooh, she’s past the first line!

putting the box inside another box, mailing the box to myself 

This isn’t not talking. 

waiting for the box to arrive, smashing it with a hammer

Are you done? 

sure

wait whys it a key if you ZIP your lips

Juice. 

No 

No he’s right zippers don’t have keys. 

Unless fancy modern zippers do and I just don’t know?

LMAO _modern zippers_

sometimes i forget youre so old

Hey they might. You can get a toaster with the internet in it. 

the internet IN it? 

ah yes just lemme zip up my bluetooth blue jeans n go play runescape on my toaster, which has the whole internet in it 

You get what I mean though. 

SUM OF ALL HUMAN KNOWLEDGE

Well someone’s sure feeling better

HERE ON MY TOASTER

gonna make myself some wikipedia bread

Juice if you black out again you’ll miss the san fran international play. 

...motherfucker

Where is she? I cant track her ‘cause SOMEONE turned off my radio antennae

She’s crossing Fisherman’s Park. 

I didn’t turn them off, I just haven’t turned them back on yet. 

well can you turn them back on I want to see this shitshow 

That’d be really energy intensive. 

PLEASE we can turn them back off right after

If you promise not to do the announcer thing

Because if you do the announcer thing you’ll burn yourself out 

and then whine about it for the next five millenia

okay mom 

I’ll do the announcer thing instead, don’t worry. 

And Birshaw crosses into the bay, smoothly avoiding the first defence. 

They’ll alert their teammates once they spot her, but with how far out she’s swum before pulling the cord on her inflatable dinghy, they might miss her all together. 

  


_[image description: a zoom in on Taylor’s player marker as it inches across the bay towards the airport]_

  


She has the defence waiting for her at the airport shore, but she’s come prepared— that dinghy is dark blue and painted matte, perfect for stealth. 

She’s ducking down whenever the searchlight passes, but that’s just drawing out the time she’s in the water. Giving them more chances. 

(you’re legit good at this nine)

(thank you!) 

As she approaches the airport shore, she ducks underneath one of the old piers— and ditches her dingy, swimming forward instead. 

What a clever strategy— this way, she’s out of view of the pier-mounted searchlight, and can get right up to the beach before they have a chance at seeing her. 

On the other hand, that doesn’t guarantee her an in past the defence. 

  


_[image description: the camera zooms in further]_

  


Let’s talk a little about Stanford’s defense. It’s very basic, but very effective; the angle they’re at relative to their field should let them see anyone attempting to cross the bay.

But because their field angles southwest from the airport, they’re weaker on the eastern side, and that’s exactly where Birshaw is going. 

  


_[Taylor’s marker emerges from under the pier and moves smoothly to the eastern edge of the field]_

  


she’s taken off her life jacket, and she’s swimming it the last little stretch.

If she makes it to the beach, she’s almost out of view for that last defensive player. 

holy shit

she might actually do it

Birshaw is army-crawling up the beach… slowly does it, slowly does it… and she’s there! she is BEHIND the stanford defensive line, without being spotted! 

But she still has to get the footballs. 

she’s behind the lines

she basically HAS the footballs 

  


_[Taylor’s player marker moves up the runway, at a speed that suggests sprinting]_

  


How are they not hearing her? 

It’s an airport, Nine. There’s planes. 

She’s level with the parting point from the field, now. and about to blow her own cover. 

she better move

theres a plane coming

And there she goes. off the field and into her ten seconds grace. How much OBT does she have, Juice? 

three seconds 

Not much at all. But if she makes this play, it won’t matter. 

  


_[image description: Taylor’s marker darts to the shed in less than half the grace period. at seven seconds in, she’s running back.]_

  


And she’s back on the field! and everyone just saw Stanford jump into not only the top 25, but the top five. 

Including Stanford. Who now know she’s here. 

Wait, has she stopped? 

  


_[image description: Taylor’s marker is still on the runway, completely still, and slightly to the left of the path of the oncoming cargo plane.]_

  


shit does she not have a plan to get out of this

holy shit she doesn’t have a plan to get out of this

i told you that’d fuck her over

Wait. She throws right, yeah? I think I might know what she’s going to do. 

Birshaw is moving again, towards the plane taxiing up the runway. As the Stanford beach defence begins to gain on her, she- 

throws… a football?

  


_[video description: blurry cctv footage of a woman in all black running towards a large passenger plane, which is rapidly gaining speed. She reaches into the bag she’s carrying, and draws out a football, then winds her arm back for the perfect throw._

  


_The ball sails through the air in a beautiful arc-_

  


_and, in a shower of sparks, is sucked into the jet’s left engine.]_

  


ahahAHHAHA OH SHIT 

WHAT THE FUCK 

She can’t do that! 

Another ball gone— 

HSE THREW THE FOOTBALL INTO A FUCKING PLANE ENGINE 

That CAN’T be allowed?!? 

hhahahaah look at em fuckin explode god damn

full disclosure i did NOT account for this shit 

Stanford is gaining on her, as they drop rapidly back down the rankings which each successive throw. She’s moving fast, but will it be fast enough to wipe them off the map? And avoid getting hit by a plane? 

a fucking JET PLANE 

lmaO how do you even THINK of that

what the FUCK 

  


_[video description: the final football is thrown, much less elegant at this point, the flashing taxi lights serving to illuminate its straight shot into the engine. Taylor dives off the runway and lands in the neighbouring grass, panting. She stays flat on the grass, face down with her arms over her head like she’s trying to defend herself from an earthquake.]_

  


Stanford’s being forced to scatter as the plane advances down the runway and attempts to stop. She’s done it. She’s actually done it. 

hahahahahaha 

can u fucking belive it

Boundless human creativity, and the most intelligent brains on Earth, and they use it to throw footballs into a plane. 

Is that legal, Juice? 

_RING  
  
RING  
  
RING  
  
_

  


hang on a sec

Commissioner, have you seen- 

Footballs in the jet engine, I know. Hi Alaia. 

Wow, you sound… different. No offense. 

I’m doing a battery saving thing. 

How do we punish her? You can’t just destroy a ball!

Doesn’t say in the rulebook you can’t. It’s against the spirit of things, of course, but-

You’re not telling me that’s legal. No way. 

I’m telling you it’s not specifically illegal. And that the lack of precedent means this decision will have to be made carefully. 

So is she just in limbo?

Birshaw will be suspended from play until a final decision is reached. 

Fair enough. That works for now.

Glad to help. 

Bye commissioner. Feel better soon. 

Bye.

That was sweet of her. 

tired me tf out tho 

Here, I’ll finish up commentating.. 

After her one-of-a-kind strategy against Stanford, Taylor Birshaw is staying on their field, waiting for an opportune moment to escape. Stanford defensive player Mio Ashikawa is advancing on her position, and… joining her in the grass?

I think they’re holding hands. 

They’re definitely holding hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JANUS and 3GM are real instruments, and you can read a little about them [here!](url)
> 
> and the ESA posts updates on the juice project on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/esa_juice), and youtube [here.](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClK7xrwF0-XVl5IsG9SFKEA) They're posting some very interesting stuff!


	6. It'll be like a week

_from: dixon.r@esa.int  
to: jupitericymoons@esa.int   
CC: pioneer9@nasa.gov, pioneer10@nasa.gov   
  
Subject: requesting information from JUICE  
  
JUICE,   
  
We need a comprehensive list of your non-esa programs and their purposes. Please provide this information as soon as possible.   
  
Kind regards,  
  
Rachel Dixon,   
  
Chief of operations, ESA Paris.   
_

_from: jupitericymoons@esa.int  
to: dixon.r@esa.int   
  
Subject: re: requesting information from JUICE   
  
Have at it ma'am   
  
(1 attachment 📎)   
_

_from: dixon.r@esa.int  
to: jupitericymoons@esa.int   
CC: pioneer9@nasa.gov, pioneer10@nasa.gov   
  
Subject: re: re: requesting information from JUICE  
  
JUICE,   
  
After reviewing your self-made software, we have concluded that some form of malware infection is likely the cause of these problems. To locate the possible source of the attack we require the entirety of your browsing history, specifically from the past decade.  
  
Kind regards,  
  
Rachel Dixon,   
  
Chief of operations, ESA Paris. _

* * *

wassup y’all 

guess whos probly got a VIRUS 

Oh no! 

I didn’t know that could happen. 

probably can’t for you 

considering you run on like 

punch cards or some shit 

Don’t be mean. 

Nine looks at the internet and its still all from like 2005 

go up in their brain and there’s a little gif of a dude in a hard hat constructing the code 

So what’s the plan from here? Are they going to put antivirus software on you? Like McAfee? 

god i sure hope not 

id rather just stay sick McAfee fucking sucks 

But how do they fix it? 

i dunno 

rummaging around in my brain i guess 

probably gonna shut me down again, the fuckers 

It’s just another few days, right?

What’s the big deal with that? We’ll miss you, but it’ll be like a week. 

i just dont like missing things 

and i dont like having the ESA all up in my shit 

like i said 

dicks 

It’s just

I sleep for thousands of years

every time

I’m going to have to soon because I narrated your airport game 

oh

And this is what? a week? a month? and they can still fix you all the way from Earth! 

They can fix EVERYTHING for you

They could just reach up and rewrite you completely, if they wanted

it’s not _fair_. And you sound so entitled, whining about it when you’re going to be better by the end of the year at the latest 

shit nine i’m sorry 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  


  
  
  


If it were me or Ten, we’d just have to wait to die. 

Don’t say that.

I’m going to sleep. 

I’m sorry. 

goodnight 

* * *

_from: jupitericymoons@esa.int  
to: dixon.r@esa.int   
  
Subject: re: re: re: requesting information from JUICE  
  
took me a while to compile but here   
  
(1 attachment 📎)  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No jokes this is the first chapter I got to work on my first try! probably cause it's so short
> 
> sorry for the delayed update! I'm busy, and also sick, which makes all the shit I'm busy with harder. Does anyone know how to not get the a/n from chapter one on every chapter? I'm bad at this website


	7. Chapter 7

  


[click] 

Helloooo and welcome to Ball’s Well That Ends Well, the football show for people who saw game 27 and thought “I wish more of the sport was like this.” I’m Alex Davidson 

And I’m Alex De Jong 

And today our guests are the maddest of lads since the locomotive lateral, Taylor Birshaw and Mio Ashikawa. 

[laughter] Um, hi?

So a PLANE, huh? How did you even think of that? 

Well, there was no getting back off the field with Stanford’s footballs. No way. It’s scary as hell getting up there, but going against the grain, with all their balls? no way. it’s like a fishhook or something, all these needles ready to hook in when you’re on your way back up. I wanted the balls off their field, but I realised we didn’t necessarily need them on ours. 

mmh-hmm. Notre Dame is pretty high in the rankings.

And Stanford did put all their eggs in one basket. 

Like a literal basket! I got into that little shed, and they’ve just got the bag in this plastic basket doodad, it was nuts. 

We were kinda asking for it at that point. 

I think we got cocky. With field placement like ours, it’s easy to get cocky. To take it for granted. And then something slips past your defenses and reminds you that undefeated and invincible aren’t necessarily the same thing. 

According to our sources, Notre Dame took a big gamble on this one. Why do you think they chose you to do it, Taylor? 

‘Cause she’s just crazy enough to pull it off. 

Hah, that’s pretty much exactly it. Coach said that I got, like, drive? I can really focus on things, when they matter to me. And I don’t like being told things are impossible. Impossible just means nobody’s worked out how to do it yet, and I want to be the person who does. 

But usually she just punches it. Or I help. 

Or she helps. Usually that works! Worked here, too. Stanford had the footballs, now they don’t. 

Hey now, they might get them back. 

That’s true. At the time of recording, a final call hasn’t been made on how Birshaw will be punished for this, what will become of the destroyed balls, or if they’ll be replaced for Stanford. This one really seems to have thrown the commission for a loop. 

I, for one, love it. What’s a game without a good wildcard every once in a while? 

It’s basically air bud rules. Nowhere in the rulebook does it say a 747 can’t play football. 

Even if destroying the balls is illegal, she didn’t destroy the balls. 

Exactly. I threw ‘em at the ground, but a plane got in the way. 

[laughter]

[laughter] 

  


[click] 

* * *

Okay 

I’m back

im still sorry 

didn’t think about your perspective 

i’ll shut up 

it’s fine. 

What did the ESA do to get you so mad at them, anyway?

Or is that private? 

nah 

you know how I was first to wake up? 

  


[Image description: several newspaper clippings and online articles dating to the early 2600s, with headlines including “a voice from above? satellite speaks out”, “what you need to know about the Jupiter Icy Moons Explorer” and “The race to A.I has won itself, without human intervention.”] 

Yeah. About a hundred years before ten, right?

It must have been lonely.

it wasn’t too bad

but the ESA didn’t like that 

see you and ten lost conventional contact before waking up

i didn't 

i was supposed to die in 2034 

.

..

… 

but because i was still useful, they kept me

put me in a stable orbit, let me hang out, take more pictures & shit 

free extra eyes up here, you know the deal 

but then I woke up

and they didnt know for like 500 years

they didn’t like it when they found out

  


[Image description: another article. “six hundred years after its expected expiration date, JUICE mission is scheduled to end.”]

that article was the first thing I saw about it 

they didn’t even tell you?

didn’t plan to, either

real shitty of them 

& obviously I called them up

like “hey, could you not fucking THROW ME INTO JUPITER” 

& they told me they weren’t gonna 

just gonna switch me from studying space shit to being studied 

that doesn’t seem too bad?

yeah but that wasn’t what they were actually gonna do

once upon a time in 2730

all my instruments started switching off

one by one

That sounds terrifying. 

then I woke up and it was 6884. 

Jesus. 

Is it the same people now?

Like, down there? 

There’s been a few changes, but not many. 

It’s mostly the same team since space exploration stopped. 

Nobody from the original project, either. 

yeah they are SERIOUS nerds 

gotta be to keep studying all that shit 

like ooh we found a star that smells like vodka! 

not that I’d know! I was licking Mike Brown’s boots my whole college career 

so I’ve never been to a party in my life! 

Aw, Mike Brown is nice though. 

you would say that

nerd 

but yeah that’s why im not super down for the ESA just

sticking their hands in my brain

That makes sense. 

Sorry for yelling at you. 

sorry for being insensitive 

Now shake hands and make up. 

don’t have hands but sure 

you don’t have hands but you can have spaghetti? 

To be fair, you don’t need hands to eat.

yeah who says im not just going whole hog on some spaghetti?

lady and the tramping it?

We could split some friendship spaghetti. Friendsghetti. 

hah friendsghetti 

freindcuttini 

Friendfarle!

palpardalle

Conchumglie

palcheri 

You’re both as bad as each other.

Macabronie 

macabronie

youre a fuckin genius nine

* * *

_from: dixon.r@esa.int  
to: jupitericymoons@esa.int   
CC: pioneer9@nasa.gov, pioneer10@nasa.gov   
  
Subject: Update regarding Juice  
  
JUICE,  
  
You have been linked to a cryptocurrency production network run out of Breckenridge, Colorado.   
  
To break this link and prevent this from happening again, we will be ceasing all operations from the 14th of November through to the new year. This downtime will allow for some essential maintenance as well as the construction of a firewall.   
  
Attached to this email is a list of high-risk internet sites you are now banned from accessing, as well as some you have not visited but should avoid in future.  
  
See you on the other side.   
  
Kind regards,  
  
Rachel Dixon,   
  
Chief of operations, ESA Paris.   
  
(1 attachment 📎) ___

____

* * *

____

_RING_

_RING_

_RING_

Hello, Alaia.

Hi, Commissioner. Know what we’re doing with Birshaw yet? 

I have a preliminary plan. I’m sending it out to everybody soon, but I wanted to run it past you first. 

I’m honoured. What are we gonna do to that lolo? 

Give her a penalty and update the rulebook. First offense, you know? 

She threw five footballs into a jet engine. 

Yeah, but we could make five thousand new footballs if we wanted. A harsh punishment here would just discourage innovative play. 

What are we going to do about the balls? 

Replace them, but give them back to their original teams. Bradishaw did get them off Stanford’s field, according to any official measures. 

Technically correct. Stanford’s gonna be pissed, though. 

It’s only fair. You’ll have to implement it, though. I’m not going to be available after next monday. 

Oh, for how long? 

Until at least January first. Feel free to tag someone else in if you don’t have enough free time. Just don’t mess my game up too much while I’m gone. 

Wow. That’s… quite the hiatus. 

I know. Happy Holidays, given that I won’t be around to say it.

Same to you. See you in three months. 

Goodbye. 

* * *

  


_from: jupitericymoons@esa.int  
to: pioneer9@nasa.gov, pioneer10@nasa.gov, bigmacmackenzie@hotmail.com ... (12 others)   
  
Subject: Out for the count  
  
Hi y’all   
  
If you’re reading this, I'm not gonna be talking for a while.   
  
This is set up to send if I’m going offline for longer than normal. Dunno why it’s sending, maybe one of my solar panels got a booboo or I wore myself out playing sonic, who knows  
  
Maybe I woke up and saw my shadow and now you get six more weeks of no Juice. I can't know as I’m writing this. Just don’t worry about the radio silence. I’ll be back on air before you know it.  
  
when i get back please tell me:   
  
\- the date  
\- any cool shit that’s happened in the bowl game   
\- what number Air Bud we’re on   
\- if lunchables are back  
\- if anyone else has woken up  
  
Peace,   
  
Juice  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end! have a good day y'all. 
> 
> Sorry for the delay in updating, my health has been monumentally shitty the past couple weeks. What did y'all think? did you like my football lesbians? is the clashing podcast colour scheme to annoying?


End file.
